On Finishing Projects

Written: 2025-06-17

The painful finish line, and the emptiness coming next

MelS and I recently finished The Trials and Tribulations of Edward Harcourt, which we had started plotting back in summer 2021. And, here we are... in Summer 2025. Four years later. The project finally complete.

The process was both incredibly smooth and full of up-n-downs. MelS's vision for the game, its story, its settings, its characters, was crystal clear. We were in full agreement when it came to the chapters' contents and the pacing of the story, as well as the interactive elements I came up with.

And it still took us four years.

The first year was spent planning, making timelines, mocking up the interface and text formatting. MelS also wrote the Prologue and first two Chapters - which we all wrapped up for the 2022 EctoComp, in October. For the other three years, a combined two years were highly dependent on MelS's schedule, with IRL responsibilities that hindered our progress - he has little free time, tried to work on Harcourt whenever he could, which was seldom at times. The final combined year... it's all on me dragging my feet.

This was especially blatant in the six months prior to the final release. See, we had wanted to make it a full circle and release the full story version in October 2024, a full three years after the demo was first put online. The writing was done (save for a few codex entries and maybe a conditional line or two). The coding framework was there (95% was basic one-level conditionals and links). I was a good 90-95% there with completion. Even the "marketing" was published - with the release date. I was so sure we would make it.

But we didn't. I didn't.

Even with my to-do list right next to me, I'd stare at my screen, not even making any progress. VSCode was open, but I'd be doing anything but fixing the last issues. Procrastinated dealing with that fucking door for months, doing menial changes. Added to the to-do list irrelevant items. Getting frustrated, but not even editing anything. At some point, I just stopped opening the file at all.

MelS would pester me. So it's coming out this month, right? ... Ok, it's delayed for a bit, but you're sure we can make it before the Christmas break? ... More time? that's fine, but you're sticking to that end of 2024 deadline you just gave yourself? ... You're working on it, great! End of January? Awesome! ... Can you promise me we can have this out before [REDACTED FOR HIS PRIVACY]? ... So [REDACTED AGAIN] happened, when-- oh, I can test it? Awesome!

So why? Why the delays when the game was as good as done? Why pausing working on it at all when I was so close to the end? Why did I struggle so much for... nothing, really?

I... don't have a good answer.

I know the longer it went on, the more guilty I felt, and the less I wanted to work on it. This is what I feel about Crimson Rose & White Lily, which I have not updated in... two? years?

I know the closer I got to finish it, and I was forcing myself last April to actually do it, the closer I got to that finish line, the clearer I saw the end, the more dread I felt. What if I did something wrong even though I've cleared all passages during testing? (I actually did, fixed it in an update, then broke more stuff) What if I don't do MelS work justice? (he thought that I did a neat job and was happy with everything) What if people really hate the game and I have to tell MelS? (didn't get one negative comments - even when reporting bugs) What if... All irrational worries that I have with each project.

And still, it shouldn't have stopped me from working on it.

I think, maybe, part of me didn't want this to end? This game is very dear to me, and finishing it meant ending a lot of things. A years-long collaboration completed with a single click. Closing a chapter, really. Not really talking about it with MelS (because, let's be honest, after a week, you don't get comments anymore :{ ). Not seeing the characters we've been playing with for the past four years evolve any longer. Not working on a project together. Not sharing this thing anymore.

Which is stupid as hell, because MelS has multiple ideas, and had gone pretty far with one while waiting for me to be done with edits on the previous chapters, or coding. We even have something right now, which I should actually be working on too... And it's not like we don't have anything else to share either.

Whatever it was, I felt blocked. Like a huge wall blocked my path. A wall I couldn't walk around, or climb over, or tunnel under. I had the tools to take the wall down, but they seemed too heavy to carry. And the more I tried, the smaller I'd gotten. Until it just felt impossible.

Like I said, I really had to force myself to fix the fucking doors (which had to be fixed again later anyway) and add the missing elements, and cross the t's and dot the i's. From dragging my feed, to dragging myself. I got there eventually, and got all excited and energetic to finish the game???

And when I uploaded that last build, and clicked on the Save button, a wave of relief washed over me. It was actually over, and I didn't have to worry about the game anymore.

And all pumped up to work on the next project!

It makes no sense!! Completely illogical.

All this above... is something I feel with different intensity with every project. Like a whole gradient of anxiety and despair until I'm just done - either the project is actually done and perfect, or the external deadline is there, or I'm emotionally done and don't want to work on it anymore. Is it something that goes away eventually? I don't know...

Ironically, I'm struggling to end this blog post too...